Bumpy painful roads

There are bumpy painful roads that we all end up traveling in our lives at some time. Most often they come from loss...something taken away from us that was precious, fulfilling, desired or simply familiar. It can be the loss of a job, rejection by a friend, theft of a treasured item, or death of someone dear to us. There is no easy way to avoid or to significantly lessen the anguish of these portions of the path that is our life. But it is important to know that no matter the depth of our pain, it is survivable and it will get better -- rarely as fast as we would like it to improve, but it will get better. The old cliche' is that 'time heals all wounds', and it is true. Often we must endure the difficulty of wrestling with the emotions and the frustrations alone, even if we cannot find solitude. In part, we are struggling with the necessity to redefine who we are, and how we see ourselves without the part of our lives that we have lost. It is not easy to struggle with the painful process of redefining ourselves while we try to keep a brave face on for those around us, it can delay the process and encourage us to deny that we are impacted by the changes that we will eventually confront. It is, I think, important that in this process that we not rush to fill the loss with a substitute. When we do that, we are defining ourselves by what we have in our lives, rather than who we are as an individual. The bumps in the path are therefore also our opportunities to rediscover our completeness as individuals, which is also better for us than to see ourselves only as complete if we are in a relationship, in a marriage, working as a banker, or if we own a powerboat. Who we are, independent of who we are with, or what we do, or what we own, must be discovered to be good enough, or we cannot make good choices for ourselves. We will be making choices to fulfill what we believe we lack -- based on what we can find to fill that lack when it arises, rather than allowing ourselves to be fulfilled and comfortable with ourselves and add a bonus to our lives when the right one (not just the next one) presents itself. Cry, wail, moan, gnash teeth, go swim 50 laps, go run 5 miles, hit a body bag for 30 minutes (but tape up your hands first), or just kick the crap out of an oversized empty cardboard box for no reason. And know you will get through it. Weep, snarl, rage at your own inability to stifle your feelings. And know that you will get through it. Pour our your heart and soul to a diary or a letter you know you will never send. And know you will get through it. And finally know that there will always be a twinge when you think of the loss, but that you will have gotten through it. The Buddhist say that the suffering that exists in the world is due to unfilled desire. So to avoid the pain of suffering, they try to eliminate desire from their lives. But it is not the desire for a good life that creates problems, but rather the belief that we must have more than ourselves to have a good life.