Bumpy painful roads

There are bumpy painful roads that we all end up traveling in our lives at some time. Most often they come from loss...something taken away from us that was precious, fulfilling, desired or simply familiar. It can be the loss of a job, rejection by a friend, theft of a treasured item, or death of someone dear to us. There is no easy way to avoid or to significantly lessen the anguish of these portions of the path that is our life. But it is important to know that no matter the depth of our pain, it is survivable and it will get better -- rarely as fast as we would like it to improve, but it will get better. The old cliche' is that 'time heals all wounds', and it is true. Often we must endure the difficulty of wrestling with the emotions and the frustrations alone, even if we cannot find solitude. In part, we are struggling with the necessity to redefine who we are, and how we see ourselves without the part of our lives that we have lost. It is not easy to struggle with the painful process of redefining ourselves while we try to keep a brave face on for those around us, it can delay the process and encourage us to deny that we are impacted by the changes that we will eventually confront. It is, I think, important that in this process that we not rush to fill the loss with a substitute. When we do that, we are defining ourselves by what we have in our lives, rather than who we are as an individual. The bumps in the path are therefore also our opportunities to rediscover our completeness as individuals, which is also better for us than to see ourselves only as complete if we are in a relationship, in a marriage, working as a banker, or if we own a powerboat. Who we are, independent of who we are with, or what we do, or what we own, must be discovered to be good enough, or we cannot make good choices for ourselves. We will be making choices to fulfill what we believe we lack -- based on what we can find to fill that lack when it arises, rather than allowing ourselves to be fulfilled and comfortable with ourselves and add a bonus to our lives when the right one (not just the next one) presents itself. Cry, wail, moan, gnash teeth, go swim 50 laps, go run 5 miles, hit a body bag for 30 minutes (but tape up your hands first), or just kick the crap out of an oversized empty cardboard box for no reason. And know you will get through it. Weep, snarl, rage at your own inability to stifle your feelings. And know that you will get through it. Pour our your heart and soul to a diary or a letter you know you will never send. And know you will get through it. And finally know that there will always be a twinge when you think of the loss, but that you will have gotten through it. The Buddhist say that the suffering that exists in the world is due to unfilled desire. So to avoid the pain of suffering, they try to eliminate desire from their lives. But it is not the desire for a good life that creates problems, but rather the belief that we must have more than ourselves to have a good life.

Quick Insights

Read and Re-Read the following -- there are insights that can help you:
Rules for Guys
Summary of "How to Win Friends and Influence People" (it's a classic, because it's true)
General Quick "How To" Reference Source

I'll add more...

Fear

Fear nothing.

Don't be stupid about risks, but never allow fear to stop you from taking action.

Never.

We are taught from childhood to be careful, but the training tends to make us confuse fear and caution. You can be prudent and cautious without being fearful. For example, most of us (with one exception we both know) can plug in an electrical appliance with reasonable care and caution without being petrified of the activity.

And then there's all the crap on TV and in the movies that massively exaggerate the danger of -- well, everything (wasn't there a horror film about "The Tomato that Ate Cinncinati" ? How stupid and gullible can we be?). Bugs, snakes, bees, wasps, spiders, scorpions, etc end up throwing too many people into a panic when a simple "whap" and concomitant "crunch" with a magazine, newspaper, shoe or even fist will rapidly dispatch the concern -- well, sometimes you have to use a shovel on the snakes.

Heights, enclosed spaces, elevators, flying, dark, etc. are fears based on short circuits in one's brain. Some of those circumstances warrant caution and care but the fear tends to based on an exaggeration of the fear of the unknown and unexpected.

Fear of the unknown, unexpected, unfamiliar, unidentified are simply mechanisms for justifying staying in comfortable, or maybe uncomfortable or even dangerous but familiar surroundings. It is the same as having a fear of knowledge, and fear of experience, a fear of discovery -- and when it phrased that way it sounds as silly as the fear is.

Most people vastly over estimate the negative impact of risks and vastly over estimate the prospect of succeeding at a beneficial opportunity -- which is why Lotteries make billions. But as a result, circumstances that have both positive and negative potential outcomes tend to be avoided for fear of the negative result. For example, lots of people play the Lottery every day -- but suppose each mega-lottery winner was required to roll dice and if the dice came up 2, or 3, they would have that many fingers cut off; if the dice came up 10, or 11 their winnings would be doubled. Think about how many people would even take a chance (generally a 1 in 14 million or greater chance) by buying a ticket -- innately people react out of fear to the negative consequence much more strongly than they are attracted to the positive outcomes.

From this also comes fear of public speaking/performance, fear of approaching attractive women, fear of standing up for yourself, fear of asking for a raise, fear of asking for a client's/customer's business etc etc. -- and in these cases 95% of the time the only downside is the embarassment you feel inside (you still have all your fingers).

Broadly, a lot of this can be characterized as a fear of failure. But failure is nothing to be feared -- for you learn much much more from failure than success. Enterpreneurs who are successful in their first efforts invariably believe they are somehow 'gifted' with universal 'rightness' in all possible decisions and businesses. They confuse being lucky with being good -- and sooner or later luck runs out. You get good by figuring out how to develop skills and resources and contacts and abilities that enable you to overcome luck -- and often that comes by not succeeding, figuring out what went wrong and why, and trying again. Virtually every major success in business has had to sustain dealing with failure to one extent or another. Few ever trumpet their failures or talk about them much, but if you look close, they are there in the background, or they've learned from other's failures.

One thing to bear in mind is that you haven't lost until you've quit trying.

Believe it or not, you taught me some simple lessons in this regard when I was first starting to do consulting and facing a lot of unknowns and potential embarassment and potential failure.

Lesson 1: If it's important to succeed; NEVER stop trying. That was driven home watching you as a early toddler just learning to walk. I'd had some conversations over the earlier weeks with people who had commented how they had tried twice to learn to do X and given up, or had a diet that wasn't giving them the results they wanted, so they gave up. And I was watching you pull yourself up and try to take a first step or two and started recalling all sorts of times when I and others had decided that 2, 3, 5, 10, or 20 attempts was enough and wondered, "when do we tell him not to bother trying to walk anymore...that it's clearly too difficult?". The answer, of course, was 'never' -- you keep trying until you succeed. Period. Why should anything else that is truly important to you be any different?

Lesson 2: In facing the unknown be specific about what you are trying to avoid -- when you do that, it often ends up being embarassment (which is not important enough to stop you from trying anything). Or, in your young words, the "Or what?" test.

You were probably three and for some reason you were questioning what alternatives or consequences you were facing. So for a couple of months if I told you to eat you peas, you would innocently look up as ask "Or what?"

There was no confrontation in your question; no sarcasm or innuendo; just an innocent and almost comically naive inquiry of potential consequences. "Or you won't be healthy"; "Or Dad will be upset"; "Or the Spaghetti-o's won't taste as good"; almost any response was satisfactory for you. You just wanted an answer to "or what?"

And it struck me that grown ups often tend to convince themselves that horribly terrible, yet totally ambiguous and indeterminate stuff justifies their fear of getting out there and doing what they need or want to do. And when you really focus on answering honestly the "or what" question -- most of the time the true answer is "or I might be embarassed".

Embarassed? Big deal -- get over it and get on with it.

Almost every other negative outcome you can think of can be managed to one extent or another to minimize it's impact.

So when your afraid of moving into unfamiliar territory, just ask yourself "or what?".

People Networks - Key to Opportunity

The most important long term skill you can develop is the ability to expand, strengthen and maintain your network of contacts. These days, it's easier than ever to do that -- but because it's easy, it's also important not to cheapen the contact (more on that in a bit).

Your schoolmates are a great place to start, even ones from middle school that you may have lost track of.

WHY MAKE NETWORKING A PRIORITY?
Woody Allen once said that 80% of success was showing up -- and being at the right place at the right time IS critical. Knowing where the right place is and what the right time is often comes from tips or insights you gain from your network of contacts.

Simply put, the more contacts you have and maintain, the more you are likely to become aware, from their comments and tips, of opportunities -- either for other members of your network or for yourself.

Most people focus almost exclusively on maintaining their network of friends, but particularly when you are entrepreneurial or pursing artistic ventures, multiple types of networks are critical. The members of each network will overlap, but I suggest concentrating on creating networks of the following types:

• people you like to be around;
• people exploring new ideas, techniques, science, art -- the cutting edge;
• people at high levels in big organizations -- banks, law firms, advertising, retail, politics, etc;
• people with large networks of their own;
• people who have massively different points of view than yourself; and,
• people who are undiscovered and can benefit from your networks.

That seems like a lot, but there will be lots of overlap and once its part of your normal acitivities, you won't give it a second thought.

Read this "Ten Secrets of a Master Networker". Now admittedly, that guy is overkill,but I hope you'll get the point. Also check on his blog occasionally: Never Eat Alone.

Build the networks and relationships well before you need them. If you realize you lost track of someone, or it's been too long since you've contacted them, make the effort to track them down via the internet (like whitepages.com). Again, do it before you feel like you need to contact them. Don't be embarassed -- a contact out of the blue who "just wanted to get back in touch and was interested in what you're doing and how you're doing these days" is flattering to anyone when there's no request for a favor attached.

I know you haven't read it yet, but read, or listen to the book on tape / CD or read the 'Cliff Notes' equivalent on the internet, and understand the concepts in the book "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People". Especially the parts about building the 'emotional bank account'. That concept is important in networking and even more critical in intimate personal relationships.

Do it.

Start today.

Set a goal to add "X" people to your networks each week (3? 5?). Touch base with "Y %" of your networks each week via call, IM, email, note, postcard, meal, drink, etc. Make it challenging. Do it.

Your future opportunities depend on it.

Life Road Maps

Despite our uniqueness, we all face similar experiences as we move through life's stages. This is, then, an attempt to offer a meta-view of life's experiences, a description of the elements of the experiences, an offering of insight on what works and doesn't work in this or that situation, and an opportunity to try to keep big picture in mind as well the likely 'karmic' implications of our actions on our life's 'system'.It's a more eloquent way of saying that there are pieces of advice I'd like to pass along. Advice and insights that I think can be valuable -- that I wish I'd had or had listened more carefully in my life. Not being there with you, I can't always comment on the exact situation you're facing. And I know, for whatever reasons, you don't reach out to me for those opinions, so I think the best I can do is offer this blog as a resource. I'll post as often as I can think of something worthwhile to offer -- and you can check it at your leisure. If you've got specific questions, don't hesitate to ask.What the heck is a 'life roadmap' and why should you care?The vast majority of the situations we find ourselves in are not unique --your response to the situation may be, but the situation is probably not -- at least not at some level of generalization, or meta-level of abstraction. While Neil Armstrong had the unique experience of being the first to step on the moon, he was not the first explorer, nor astronaut, nor discoverer -- all of which offer some hints and guidance on what he was to experience, how he might proceed, etc. There are broad similarities in each stage of the human experience, the male experience, the modern man experience. Each of us can either discern these similarities through trial and error ('the hard way') or through being aware of the experiences and insights of others.Now, a map won't necessarily keep you from taking a wrong turn -- nor does having a map make the length or difficulty of the trip any less. But it can make the miserable aspects of life more endurable when you have a rough idea of how long things may last, or are able to get a peek at the bigger picture.You get the idea.